We all walk through life with expectations. We expect the sun to rise every morning. We expect tomato soup to be served hot. We expect gazpacho to be served gross.

I have one expectation of my own: My mom needs to answer the phone when I call.

I expect this because:

1. She’s almost always home
2. My parents have at least 4 cordless phones in their home
3. I want to talk, gosh darnit!

If she’s not home, I always leave a message. The same message:

WHERE ARE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU???????

Sometimes I follow it up with:

DID YOU GET CLONKED ON THE HEAD?

If she doesn’t call me back within an hour or two, I start to get worried. Did she really get clonked on the head? Did she eat spoiled tuna tartar at the ladies luncheon and fall disastrously ill?

I realize this may sound desperate for a 27-year-old woman, but my mom is great. Sometimes I think my friends stay close to me so that they can stay close to her. And I’m not even mad about it. I think everyone would benefit from more Sandra Jean.

But sometimes, she can’t pick up the phone. She’s out gardening. She’s out thrifting. She’s out with dad, cruising through Taylors Falls on a quest for giant scoops of homemade ice cream.

Over the past two months (gulp), many of you have left messages to the effect of WHERE ARE YOUUUUU? And over the next week, I’ll answer that question. But first, let me clarify: I did not get clonked on the head.

Me and my twin. She’s the wisest, coolest, funniest woman I know.